Would my credibility suffer in admitting that I read the “Miss Manners” column when it appears every other day in our newspaper? Did I have any credibility to start with? It’s not exactly like reading the “Dear Abby” stuff, where I think one takes comfort in realizing that there are people who are making worse decisions and asking stupider questions than, in most cases, we would. Miss Manners expertly injects a bit of humor and a twinge of sarcasm while addressing etiquette-related issues that often seem trivial at best. Sometimes, though I find myself disagreeing with her response (in a civilized manner, of course). Let me provide an example.

Earlier this week, her column featured an inquiry about sending “Thank You” cards or notes, and whether e-mail was an acceptable method for doing so. The twist was that the individual identified him/herself as an environmentally conscious person, and felt that saving paper and the fuel to deliver an envelope by mail should be a consideration of etiquette, and therefore Miss Manners should bestow her approval on e-mail expressions of gratitude. As one might guess, Miss Manners did not do so.

Her response was that (1) there would not be that great an environmental impact, unless the reader sent hundreds of Thank You cards each year, and (2) the social graces evidenced by making the effort to select, endorse, address, and mail a card would be appreciated by the recipient. I hereby register an objection to both points.

First, in the struggle to save the environment, every little bit helps. It may not make a difference that my family chooses to recycle paper and glass and aluminum, but when hundreds or thousands of families do so, there is an impact. And second, who draws these lines about what constitutes proper social effort anyway? Writing an e-mail? No points. Selecting and sending a card? Well, you score! But wait … all you did was put a stamp on it and hand it to someone else for delivery. Why not take it to the recipient personally? Wouldn’t they appreciate that even more, especially if you had to drive across town, or fly across the country, to do so?

In general, that’s a reaction I have with some regularity to Miss Manners’ responses. It’s the “Who died and made you the king?” reflex. So much of what she dispenses is based on her own interpretation of what American society would dictate, but she often displays a fair degree of ethnocentrism - that the way we do things is the right way, and everyone else is in error.

This is a concept we often deal with in the Rotary Youth Exchange program too, in teaching about cultural awareness. A friend and expert on cross-cultural experiences presents two ideas that I really like. One is a quote, whose source escapes me at the moment, but to paraphrase it: “Other cultures are not failed attempts at emulating you.” The second is a challenge to the Golden Rule - that one should not “Do unto others, as we would have them do unto ourselves.” Rather, especially when in another culture, one should apply the Platinum Rule: “Do unto others, as they would have you do unto them.” That is to say, don’t impose YOUR cultural values on others. I suspect that Miss Manners would choke on that one.

But I do continue to read her column, as part of my usual Monday-Wednesday-Friday morning routine. Every so often, she comes up with a gem. I’ll leave you with this one:

Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper way to eat potato chips?

Gentle Reader: With a knife and fork. A fruit knife and an oyster fork, to be specific. Good heavens, what is the world coming to? Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 9th, 2008 at 11:24 am and is filed under Al. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.